Figuring Out My Big Fear

As I mentioned in the Module Morsel this week, money was my “big fear”. (Yes, I am thrilled to announce, I can finally use the past-tense referring to it!) It took me a long time to realize it was my big fear because I didn’t see it as a “fear”. Let me rephrase, I knew I was fearful around money, I just didn’t know I had a choice about how I felt. I saw my anxiety around money as “realistic” and “practical”. I still remember when my life coach broached the idea that maybe I didn’t need to worry about money. I flipped out! (Almost literally – I remember feeling so uncomfortable with the idea, I couldn’t even harbor a thought, however brief, around it.) I remember telling her that would be “irresponsible” because I viewed my thoughts, my worries, as being the responsible and mature way to think about money. I remember thinking that other people who didn’t worry about money were either irresponsible (if they didn’t have a lot of money) or lucky (because they had enough money so they didn’t have to worry).
My turning point came when I noticed how my thoughts about money were affecting my relationship with my children. A thought would come up about money, I could feel the pang in the pit of my stomach, and my interactions with my children would instantly turn negative. I began to see that perhaps, just perhaps, there was a healthier way to interact with money.
It still took me a few years to be able to say money wasn’t fear-based for me. (And, still, when I am tired, not taking care of myself, etc. it comes up. BUT it is no longer my "usual state of being".) My negative attitude with money was so deep in me. What was interesting, though, is I instantly felt better when I realized that I had a choice, that my feelings around money were just my own making and I didn’t have to feel that way. I was then able to begin to separate the fear from my interactions with my children.
I think we all feel our worries, on some level, are responsible. If we didn’t worry it might mean we don’t care. Or, if we aren’t worrying it means we we won’t motivate to change anything. I see it in others with worry around the safety of their children, their health, fears around losing a job or the security of their home. Worry doesn’t help, ever. Think about it. How creative are you in solving problems when you are worried? My husband has told me so often (and I think I am finally listening) to never make a decision from fear. When we make a decision from fear, it is never a good one.