Courage and Fear - part II

I knew there was a reason I was actually watching TV last night, surfing through the channels. I stopped for awhile on the movie The Princess Diaries, long enough to hear the character Mia (aka, the princess) reading a letter from her father. In it was this wonderful quote, quite similar to the one from Sally Kempton I posted several days ago.

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear.
The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."

~Ambrose Redmoon

It is true that the work we are doing in finding our joy isn't about completely eliminating the negative in our lives. We can diminish our exposure as much as possible, which definitely helps. Things will happen that hurt us and that we don't like. It is in how we deal with them that we find that greater joy.
Fear is something that we all have at some point or another. It hurts us, and scares us, and holds us back. It keeps you where you are at and prevents you from finding more joy. It can be scary to face those fears or to act when you feel the grip of fear holding you. Just remember, everyone has fear, it is the courageous who do things anyway. And having courage doesn't mean we are without fear. It means we have found something more important than the fear and we have moved through it. More joy awaits you on the other side.

Courage and fearlessness are not the same

"...courage and fearlessness are not the same - in fact, if we didn't have fears, we wouldn't need courage. Courage implies moving through fear."

~ Sally Kempton

Reading this really did cause me to stop and think. Images of courage often bring to mind big strong people, drill sargeants and people who are fighting cancer. But I imagine that even they have fear. We may not always see the fear in others but that does not mean they are unafraid.

So what is courage? I love the statement above "Courage implies moving through fear." It means we have fear, we acknowledge it and we keep moving on. Maybe it means we unearth the root of the fear and make whatever we are fearful of less scary. If you are scared of speaking in public, you practice with a friend, then go to Toastmasters or take a class. You keep practicing and the more you learn and experience, the fear diminishes.

Maybe we don't know the depths of our own courage. We fear things because we've never had to face them. Then we are forced to face them and realize they aren't really that scary. Or we realize that we have the strength and power and fortitude to endure. That we are bigger and braver than we ever imagined.

For each of us it is different. For me, doing a marathon is scary. For others it is exhilarating. I find speaking in front of people exciting and fun. For you it may be terrifying. It's up to each of us to explore these fears, to find out what is really behind it and to move through it.

By the way, my marathon is September 19. Wish me luck!

Fear and Unmet Needs

We are on to another topic - Fear and Unmet Needs. I love the quote Laura used in this week's inspirational e-newsletter:

"We are all familiar with the Golden Rule: 'Love thy neighbor as thyself.' But if you do not love yourself as much as your neighbor, you are not living the principle. If you were as kind to yourself as you are to others, you would find great peace and release."

~ Alan Cohen

I think it's no coincidence that we study Fear and Needs in the month we celebrate Valentine's Day, the day devoted to Love. Love is the opposite of Fear. And if we Love ourselves, we meet our own Needs. And we all want Love, right?

This most especially applies to ourselves. As the quote above says, "If you were as kind to yourself as you are to others, you would find great peace and release." Can you imagine what it's like to show love to yourself? Think about how you really would like people to treat you, then can you do it for yourself? If you are not taking care of yourself or meeting your own needs, why not? In honor of Valentine's Day, take time out to love yourself. Don't forget to share your ideas with us!

Final Thoughts on Fears

Last time we did the program we focused entirely on fear on this teleclass. This time we talked all about unmet needs. So, I want to share a thought that came out of the last program’s call around fear. Here is your question to ponder: Is there such a thing as a “realistic fear”. What does that mean for you? In your fear area in your life, how does the fear help you?

Final Thoughts on Unmet Needs

One great idea that came out of the call this week was letting go of how your needs should be met. One participant mentioned previously feeling very attached to how her needs were met (mostly, who needed to say what). She felt a tangible shift this month and was incredibly surprised to find her need being met in a completely unexpected way. (Interesting to note that the expectation of wanting a need met in a particular way can prevent the unexpected way from flowing into our life.)

Unmet Needs

(by Karen) February has been very interesting for me as I have been sick and recovering every day of it. I went out of town to help my husband with a work project and just when I returned, I became very ill. I have questioned why many times. The more I am able to look back on it, I know I have my answer, it is from unmet needs.

I went to a place I did not want to travel to, to do work that does not inspire or "fill me up". In fact, it wore me down. We worked long hours, ate at different times each day (or sometimes skipped meals all together), stayed in a hotel that was not very comfortable which was right above a bandstand where the band played until 2:00am each morning. The weather was cold and I did not have a proper coat.

For me, taking care of myself (read: meeting my needs) is very important. It is important for me to have enough sleep, to eat healthy and nutritious foods at the same time each day, to spend time doing work and activities that nourish me spiritually and fill me up. While I was away, even though I did do a short yoga practice each day and eat the most healthy and nutritious meals I was able to find (not easy), my needs still were not met.

The sickness has caused me to look a little deeper. Do I have other needs that I am unaware of that were not met before I left? Time will tell :-)

My Lesson for the Month

Oh, my! Where or where do I begin? This month was an incredibly powerful learning experience around fears and unmet needs. My biggest lesson, though, was around receiving. In order to get your needs met, you need to receive what others and the Universe are handing you. Ultimately it comes down to feeling worthy of receiving. Hmmm...I have a hard time admitting to myself that I have felt I am not deserving of receiving gifts, but it is true. The other reason we don't receive is we don't feel we are loved. Neither are true, but are at the base of all of our unhealthy behaviors. I am learning to receive. I even receive hugs from my children in a new way. I feel them and draw in the love they are sending me. It is interesting to notice the change in them. They have smiles of pure contentment on their faces now when they hug me. Then I got it -- it is so much more fun to give to someone who receives. Think about how you feel giving a complement to someone who brushes it off and doesn't accept it versus someone who sincerely looks you in the eye and says, "thank you".

My One Thing

Okay, it is time to pick on thing to do daily to help get my needs met. I have been doing a breathing and meditation practice every morning lately and it is fabulous! I am going to keep that exercise up and use it to consciously get my needs met. What are you doing?

Hmmmm…The Universe has Other Plans for Me:

So, remember my decision to work with fear this month? Also remember my last post, feeling money issues were in the past and, since money issues have always been the “big fear” for me, I haven’t had much to work with this month. I was with Marya this weekend and she mentioned how she has been finding quotes on the fear piece everywhere. She chuckled, saying it was the message from the Universe. In that moment, I realized I had been receiving quotes on self-care and getting my needs met. I hadn’t yet made the connection that it was my message from the Universe! (Thank you, Marya!)

So, apparently, unmet needs is my focus. I can take a hint! (Even though it may take the proverbial frying pan! ☺) Self-care is a tricky one for me. I am one of those people who does so much people frequently comment “how do you do it all!” Ironically, it is usually with a touch of envy. Trust me when I say, save the envy. I feel a bit like my yoga students who are hyper-flexible. Other students look at them with such envy as they bend their body into every position with such ease. But they have a harder time in yoga. Their body goes too far into poses, putting stress on their joints. They need to learn how to pull out of the poses just enough but not too far to find alignment to receive the lovely benefits of the pose. That’s me. Many look at me with envy, but I go too far. I am putting stress on my joints and I am learning how to pull back just enough but not too far, to receive the benefits of life.

What a fabulous lesson for me!

Figuring Out My Big Fear

As I mentioned in the Module Morsel this week, money was my “big fear”. (Yes, I am thrilled to announce, I can finally use the past-tense referring to it!) It took me a long time to realize it was my big fear because I didn’t see it as a “fear”. Let me rephrase, I knew I was fearful around money, I just didn’t know I had a choice about how I felt. I saw my anxiety around money as “realistic” and “practical”. I still remember when my life coach broached the idea that maybe I didn’t need to worry about money. I flipped out! (Almost literally – I remember feeling so uncomfortable with the idea, I couldn’t even harbor a thought, however brief, around it.) I remember telling her that would be “irresponsible” because I viewed my thoughts, my worries, as being the responsible and mature way to think about money. I remember thinking that other people who didn’t worry about money were either irresponsible (if they didn’t have a lot of money) or lucky (because they had enough money so they didn’t have to worry).
My turning point came when I noticed how my thoughts about money were affecting my relationship with my children. A thought would come up about money, I could feel the pang in the pit of my stomach, and my interactions with my children would instantly turn negative. I began to see that perhaps, just perhaps, there was a healthier way to interact with money.
It still took me a few years to be able to say money wasn’t fear-based for me. (And, still, when I am tired, not taking care of myself, etc. it comes up. BUT it is no longer my "usual state of being".) My negative attitude with money was so deep in me. What was interesting, though, is I instantly felt better when I realized that I had a choice, that my feelings around money were just my own making and I didn’t have to feel that way. I was then able to begin to separate the fear from my interactions with my children.
I think we all feel our worries, on some level, are responsible. If we didn’t worry it might mean we don’t care. Or, if we aren’t worrying it means we we won’t motivate to change anything. I see it in others with worry around the safety of their children, their health, fears around losing a job or the security of their home. Worry doesn’t help, ever. Think about it. How creative are you in solving problems when you are worried? My husband has told me so often (and I think I am finally listening) to never make a decision from fear. When we make a decision from fear, it is never a good one.

Focus

(Marya) I'm still having a hard time choosing so I'm going to work on both Fear and Unmet Needs. I've let go of a lot of fears already yet I keep finding quotes and articles on the subject recently. I'm open to what may present itself there. I also had a recent realization that often I'm more fearful, or dwell on my perceived fears more, when my basic needs haven't been met. They do go hand in hand (as Denise mentioned in her recent comment).
Today was evidence that I definitely still need to pay attention to my needs. I didn't eat an adequate lunch and was very hungry at dinnertime. As I prepared the meal and served my children I found myself getting extremely agitated and impatient. I was so much better after eating. Note to self (again): must eat good food regularly!

What is Your Focus this Month?

(Laura) In the Module I encourage you to choose either fear or unmet needs to think about this month. What did you choose? If you still aren't sure, choose the one you think affects your Focus Area the most. Let us know!

Fears and Unmet Needs

(Laura) Time to move on to the next month's topic. I think I am going to focus on fears. I have been studying surrender in my life and I would love to release another level of surrender around my fears. Should be an interesting month...