My Hidden Lesson

(Laura) So, I had an interesting chat with Marya today. We were discussing this month’s topic and what we had learned for ourselves. I was mentioning how this month hadn’t been very illuminating for me. I had set a focus for being more aware in my relationship with my extended family. I didn’t think anything had come up for me. Then it hit me, I had had a huge lesson in the area and had almost missed it! I am continually amazed at how, when you set an intention, the lessons come up. I hadn’t even “worked” on it this month!

Say What You Want

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."

I think the same can be said for the things you say. Change the way you say things and the things you say (and look at!) change. One of the things I realized in communicating and meeting my own needs is that I sometimes try to accommodate someone else and don't really say what I want. Such as, "Oh, it doesn't matter where we eat, whatever YOU want is fine with me." Ever said something like that? Try getting a little more specific. It doesn't mean you dictate everything but you certainly can express your preferences. "I'd like to eat Mexican or Italian food, could you choose the restaurant?"

Blaming Myself

So, last week’s Module Morsel was a particular challenge for me. Knowing the difference between blaming myself for a negative interaction (“What did I do/say to make them angry/irritated/impatient?) and being conscious of other people’s feelings while still giving them the space to have their own reaction to me even if it is negative. (I do everything with an open, loving heart and they still have a negative reaction because of their own “stuff”). I had a great conversation with Marya and fellow Awaken to Joy club member, Karen. You can hear it here.

Communicating as Parents

Here is a conversation Marya and I had during the Words Module month. I thought it would be particularly useful this month so here it is. In this recording, we discuss communicating as parents, the importance of our words and the energy behind them. Enjoy!

Communicating and Our Needs

On last month's teleclass, one of the things we discussed was ways to recognize the needs behind communication. We said that when there is negative communication or negative feelings around a conversation, we can first look to 2 major areas to try and make improvements. The first is unmet basic needs and the other is long held beliefs or issues that we have that creates a negative filter.
Unmet basic needs would be not enough sleep, hungry, etc. The other major area I think an example might be helpful. Maybe I believe that people who have lots of money are "jerks". Let's say I was at a class and speaking to someone I believed had lots of money. I might automatically assume he or she is not going to be nice to me. I might go into the conversation on the defense and angry without a word even being said.
Both of these episodes have occurred in my life recently (and oddly enough in the same building on different days). The later episode did happen to my husband. A conversation did not go well because of his beliefs and assumptions about the other person, who he did not even know. We did discuss later how his assumption may have created unnecessary negative feelings for both he and the other person.
The former episode happened to me just yesterday. I was tired from having taken care of my sick daughter for several days. A stranger made a request of me and I got very irritated. It was quite an innocuous comment but because I was tired I really reacted strongly to it, in a negative way. I did recognize that I wasn't behaving as I normally would, had I felt rested, and at least at the awareness enough to remove myself until I could calm down.
The lesson in both cases is that when you find yourself in those icky feelings in a conversation, you do have the power to stop it and ask yourself, "Do I have needs that can be met in order to help myself feel better?" or "What belief do I have that may be creating a negative filter?". Either one can cause us to not fully hear the other person.

My Communication

I have still been thinking about the negative assumptions piece I have written about here and here. I realize that for me it comes to being more conscious of learning than on teaching. (Tricky for a teacher!) When I am in a learning mode, I pause, I listen more, I have space between my thoughts and my words. Letting myself be open to new ideas, being empty for more as a beginner, rather than full like an expert, gives me the space to observe without evaluating. As a beginner, I don't know what everything means and I can let go of preconceived ideas.

Positive Communication

Okay, I admit it, I am still in last week’s assignment and observing without evaluating. This topic has been dramatic for me! As I mentioned in an earlier post, I read somewhere that we create negative evaluations (read: "jumped to conclusions" and "making assumptions") in areas where we lack self-esteem. I have found it so true for me and over the weekend I identified an area in which I created negative evaluations. (And, I mean "created". It was ALL in my head.) I also realized that it was an area in my life in which I have sabotage myself in the past. (No good comes of negative evaluations.) With that new information, I have been able to both shift out of my low self-esteem in those areas, stop sabotaging myself AND move into better communication. So powerful!

Thought on Self-Esteem

I was recently reading that a sign of low self-esteem is interpreting things that are said as having negative meaning. In other words, confusing evaluation with observation of facts (our work for the month) is a sign of low self-esteem! So I have started paying attention to when I tend to interpret what someone says as negative. As I work on separating my observations from my evaluations, I am also working on my self-esteem.

So, tell me, where do you notice your negative assessments coming up? What do you learn from it?

Inspirational Quote

“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.”

- Epictetus

Communication: Choosing a Focus for the Month

Over the next two months our focus is communication. Our focus is specifically, being able to communicate in a more compassionate way; a way that connects us to others rather than alienating them. In this month, our smaller focus is learning to observe without evaluation. It is our evaluation that causes us suffering so learning this skill will help eliminate much or our challenges in our life. Of course it doesn’t mean never evaluating a situation, it just means being able to separate what is what is really happening (observing is objective) versus what you think about what is happening (evaluating is subjective).

Frankly, I find this month the most challenging for me to grasp of the entire year. Not only do I have a hard time separating my opinions with my evaluations (they are practically simultaneous), I find it tricky to remember to check myself in the moment. So, for this month, I am going to find a very small area in which to hold my conscious awareness around this idea. I have decided to use driving as my conscious time. Whenever I drive I will be conscious about observing without evaluating.

Your View, My View

It's important to remember that in every situation there really isn't a truth or reality, it is only your perception or view or evaluation of what is happening. Even so-called objective bystanders are only speaking from their viewpoint.
In any given situation one person may feel angry, indignant, laughed at or criticized. While the other person may be feeling the exact opposite! So which one is right? Is there a right?
Try watching a conversation between two people and see if you can observe without taking sides or forming your own opinion. Notice how each person has their own viewpoint and it becomes their own reality. Then can you do it in a conversation you are participating in?